Diligently Silent

Have you ever experienced the dreaded "Silent Treatment" from someone you love or care about?  
Have you ever shut someone out yourself in order to get your point across?

The question is; what exactly does it accomplish?  There are many reasons someone might use this tactic in their interaction with us.  The most prevalent reason would be in order to establish boundaries or ground rules of what someone is willing to allow in their lives.  They have certain expectations that they envision in a situation, become very distant, and shut us out when their expectations are not met.  Sometimes those expectations are voiced before this action and sometimes they are not.  One thing is clear.  They are definitely not being voiced at the time of the silent treatment.  So then, how does it allow us to get our point across?  The silent treatment may be a common response to conflict in relationships, but it is also one of the most destructive.

The most intense of household prayers come during these silent treatments.  

• Oh God, I hope that's not him/her pulling into the driveway.
• Oh God, When will they finally go to bed and leave me alone?
• Oh God, When will he/she finally talk to me again? 
• Oh God, What can I do to change this situation so we can finally be right together again?  

Why Do We Go Silent?

I recently read an article that addressed just this and gave a real world perspective in a highly intelligent couples life.  It was written by Mort Fertel who is a marriage expert that helps to rebuild troubled marriages.  Here is a copy of the email he received and his words on this topic.

Dear Mort,

We are in week 2 of the silent treatment! It all started over something little and ridiculous! We are both adults, old enough to know better than this! He is a judge, I am a social worker! He won't budge! I need help!

Jodie

Most silent treatments start like Jodie's started; with something "little and ridiculous." Most couples can't remember what the impetus was. And if they could, they'd be too embarrassed to admit that something so small blew-up into something so big.

So what are these silent treatments or stand-offs REALLY about? And how can you avoid them or end them soon after they begin?

It's interesting that Jodie made a point in her email to say that she and her husband "know better." In other words, they're intelligent, educated, and accomplished people. Jodie's husband is even a judge, an expert in distinguishing between right and wrong. They know that treating each other this way doesn't make sense. They know IT is wrong. But they also know that THEY are right.

And that's exactly the problem!

Silent treatments ensue when both people feel they're RIGHT. And the more intense each spouse's conviction to their perspective, the longer the silence lasts. And, ironically, the more intelligent and the articulate the couple, the MORE LIKELY they are to endure silence between them. Because intelligent and articulate people have confidence in their position and justification for holding their ground.

Although Jodie is surprised that her and her husband, intelligent people, could be so petty; the fact is that one reason they're holding their silence for so long is BECAUSE they're intelligent. In other words, intellectual capacity and marital satisfaction can be INVERSELY related. Let me say it another way: When it comes to your marriage, you can be right or you can be happy. But sometimes you can't be both.

In a courtroom, a hospital, or an office, right and wrong determine success or failure. The decision to prescribe the right medicine, for example, could be the difference between life and death. The relationship between the doctor and the patient is secondary. Being RIGHT is what matters and what is rewarded.

But in marriage, being right has no value. All that matters is the relationship.

Sometimes you have to choose. Do you want to be right or do you want to be happily married?

 
When prisoners are being punished, they are put in isolation, because being isolated is one of the harshest punishments there is — other than physical abuse. The silent treatment is a form of punishment, a way of attempting to control your partner or others into doing what you want them to do. It is a withdrawal of approval, and can cause much fear in people who are vulnerable to this.
You are giving people the silent treatment when you shut down to them, closing your heart and refusing to interact with them or acknowledge their presence. You act as if they are invisible, not responding to them at all or giving them a very minimal and withheld response. Your hope in treating them this way is that they will get the message that they have displeased you. They have done something wrong in your eyes and deserve to be punished, deserve to have your "love" taken away.

Of course, what you are taking away is not love at all, since love is unconditional. What you are taking away is your approval, and for approval-dependent people, it is a powerful form of control.

While it may seem to us to work for the moment, there are huge negative consequences following the silent treatment. While your partner may rush around to try to please you and get you to reconnect with him or her, the fact that you have so deeply disconnected creates feelings of heartache in your partner, that may eventually lead to the end of the relationship. What seems to work for the moment may lead to exactly what you don’t want in the long run.

The silent treatment is one of the most frustrating tactics and can provoke even the most patient person. Depending on the method used, it can make the person on the receiving end feel powerless, invisible, intimidated, insignificant, looked down on, disapproved of, guilty, frustrated, and even angry.  Many people will make choices they normally wouldn't due to these feelings.  They feel completely lost and need to find a way to make the silence stop.  They even search for reasons the behavior is happening.  Sometimes, this even leads to crazy thoughts and ideas due to not knowing the real reason for being treated this way. 

There are even more reasons some resort to the silent treatment tactic.  Some resort to this due to feelings of being embarrassment or feelings of shame.  We have all made choices at times in our life we are ashamed of.  They make us feel like a failure, feel empty inside, allow us to question our self worth, and even make us question everything in the world around us.

It is much easier to continue making the bad decisions than to just speak up and share our shame with those we care about.  We know that what we are doing is wrong, but we continue to do it anyway.  Many have the mentality that they have already done something wrong, and it is easier to just keep doing it and keep it quiet.  However, this only leads to deeper feelings of shame and questioning our values because we know what we are doing isn't right.  We know continuing to put ourselves into the situation is destructive to us and those around us.  It is just easier to stay in that situation than to "do the right thing" by those we love and care about.  Unfortunately, this leads to a very long list of negative feelings and a web of lies to cover up the situation and our bad choices we are ashamed of.  The only way to end this destructive cycle to by stepping away from the negative behavior and admitting to the mistakes to the ones we care about.  This is a very very hard step to make.  We make ourselves vulnerable in bearing our souls and our mistakes to those we care about.  This vulnerability is exactly what ends the destructive cycle and brings us closer to the people we care about.  It shows them that we care enough about them to be honest with them, even when that truth may hurt them because of our actions.  It shows trust in that person to be able to forgive us when we may be struggling to forgive ourselves.  This type of intimacy and connection is exactly what it takes for any healthy relationship to grow, be successful, and overcome things that every couple will be faced with at some point in a life together.  We must be able to get beyond our pride and humble ourselves to be completely honest for the sanctity of our relationship.  Yes, it is a very hard step to take but it is always the right step to take.  Those who love us will always respect the honesty and will respect us in the process.   

Past research has shown that, compared to other couples, those who practice the silent treatment are:

• More likely to do damage in a situation than good
• Less satisfied with their relationship in the long run
• Less intimate with one another
• Poorer communicators with their partners

Psalms 32:3-4  "When I kept silent, my bones became brittle from my groaning all day long.  For day and night your hand was heavy on me; my strength was drained as in the summer's heat."

Mark 9:34 "But they were silent, because of the way they had been arguing with one another about who was the greatest."

Ezekiel 16:42 "So I will satisfy my wrath against you, and my jealousy will turn away from you.  Then I will be silent and no longer angry."

 
 It's a bad habit that must be abandoned if a relationship is going to thrive.